Mad Libs Round 2

Dear Uncle,

I am having an informative time at camp. The counselor is erotic and the food is like rainbows filled with regret. I met Shawntell and we became surprisingly ugly friends. Unfortunately, Shawntell is ungodly and I gyrated my thongs so we couldn't go spritzing the lawn like everybody else. I need more twerks and a floor-length muumuu sharpener, so please unapologetically shart more when you fist me back.

Your cousin,
Billy the Dwarf.

3 Word Inspirations

Recently in a writing class we were asked to write down an '-ing' action, a body part and an inanimate object to insert into a mad lib-type sentence, then expand the sentence into an extra short story, surreal or otherwise. The person to my left gave me these words:

That's what she said.

 Then I wrote this down:

      After a long day of gesticulating, he had discovered his clavicle had grown into an armchair - the cushion of which needed replacing. No, not because it was dirty or worn out, but rather because it didn't match the color palette of his living room - a most important space in which he held many Trivial Pursuit™ tournaments for his cats. Now they sat unwittingly upon him, clawing at his fabric without a care, only hoping to be fed soon. The eldest among them, Frank quickly grew tired and, turning around to find a comfortable spot, laid down on the man's face. When the man had awoken, his eyes had disappeared. He wanted to die. So many regrets.

Fin

I think it has movie potential.

It's been a while, no one.

Since I can't think of anything I really want to blog about, here's my keyboard right now.

Someone got a grab-bag of keycaps from a collector and I snagged a set of Retro style double-shots from them. I didn't use all of the keys, but the set was incomplete anyway, and it adds to the look, despite these crappy pictures.

While the images don't do it justice, the retro modifiers are a wonder dark shade of gray which gives the board three great shades.

The ESC-row dye-sub Portal | Portal 2 keys are from a group buy months ago that people are desperate to buy, some have even started a second group buy.

Taking the place of my 7/& key is my lucky Shamrock double-shot. Soon I'll be adding a blank, gold-colored zinc Backspace key which should give the keyboard a great shimmer.

Also coming soon are some Riddler question mark

double-shots. They are for R4, the [?] row of course.

Not much else going on.

The Dvorak Layout Argument

d-VOR-ak

I see a lot of ignorant posts in discussions about Dvorak, QWERTY, Colemak and other keyboard layouts. People often come to the conclusion that it’s not worth the switch, especially if you’re already proficient in a layout, but there are too many undereducated and, frankly, BIASED opinions out there by which people unwittingly allow themselves to be swayed.

Here are the FACTS (from my research – take it as you would any other person’s opinion):

* Dvorak is better for your hands than other layouts (plenty of independent user reports cite how it has helped their RSI and/or carpal tunnel, but some DO NOT benefit) and more efficient to use (this does not say anything about its potential speed benefits but read on)

* There ARE people who averaged 110+ wpm on QWERTY who then made the switch to Dvorak and did increased their speeds (usually no more than 10 wpm) – and of those who didn’t quit QWERTY completely, they can still proficiently use both layouts, though their QWERTY speeds usually slow a bit

* One week will never be enough to make the switch – from the people I’ve heard whom have made the switch it has taken 2-4+ months of practice on average to reach their QWERTY speeds on Dvorak (though more practice means faster progress) – but this is a switch to which one should be completely dedicated – you need not bother switching if you don’t want to spend time training

* It’s not for everyone. I put off learning Dvorak for YEARS because I didn’t see much of the potential benefit and I was a fast QWERTY typist already (110-120 wpm on average). Even now, my two MAIN reasons for switching were: fear of developing carpal tunnel syndrome, and the fact that I had TIME to make the switch (some summers you just don’t have a lot to do)

Das ist Das Keyboard.

Other reasons I switched include: The desire to become more of a keyboard hipster than I am right now – I use a Das Keyboard Ultimate Silent (blank keys, mechanical Cherry MX Brown key switches), the excuse to allow fewer people to use my keyboard (and possibly screw over anyone who does try to use it without my permission..), the possibility of higher wpm (which not everyone achieves, but I’m progressing faster than anyone I’ve known so I’m hopeful), and simple FRUSTRATION – I shudder knowing that the QWERTY layout is technically a modern invention and there’s basically no turning back from it, BUT IT IS BY FAR NOT THE BEST LAYOUT. I don’t care which one people think is best be it Dvorak, Colemak or another layout sent into obscurity, but QWERTY just ISN’T the best and the fact that society has forever accepted it as THE standard layout (for English) frightens me. What OTHER inventions will we see in the future that aren’t as efficient as they should be and which ones will we accept forever, despite their faults? That is one of the other reasons I switched – the world shouldn’t settle for mediocrity when something much much better comes along, but it does – so this is ONE thing I won’t settle for: a layout that isn’t tailored for the user’s hands.

Again, don’t bother switching if you have no fear of stress injuries in your future or don’t want to spend weeks and months gathering speed in Dvorak whilst losing it in QWERTY. But you SHOULD switch if you want a healthier layout and you have the time. However, I encourage those ready to learn Dvorak to keep practicing QWERTY as well – the world will never universally and wholly switch to Dvorak, and since you live in this world, you’ll want to keep your QWERTY abilities.

(Originally posted as a response here.)

Skate of Gold

So fucking gorgeous.

Eat it.

117 words

Dumbledore vs Gandalf

Last evening I stumbled across this: --------------------------------->

It is what I consider a funny Facebook argument for why Gandalf is the better of the two wizards (Dumbledore vs Gandalf). I sent this to my friend, Bill and proposed that although this person's argument was very funny and somewhat strong, I would be able to come up with an equally strong argument for why Dumbledore was better. I typed up my argument, lost my internet for the night, saved the argument, and now I'm posting it. My IMPASSIONED argument for the late Dumbledore. *WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS THOUGH HONESTLY YOU'VE HAD YEARS TO DO SO* 

Let's start with Dumbledore's early life. Did I mention that he was a friggen BOSS even as a kid? His dad went to prison for torturing a couple of muggle boys - badass. He turned out to be an incredibly kind kid anyway. Set his bed-curtains on fire 'cause they were un-fab and MADE IT LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Won numerous prizes during his school years, also considered the most brilliant student to ever attend the school. FUCKING HEAD BOY, BITCHES. After his MOTHER was killed he took care of his siblings LIKE A BOSS. Then his fucking LITTLE SISTER was killed in an accident/battle with his BEST FRIEND who fled the scene and he dealt with it LIKE A BOSS. Was offered Minister of Magic several times, turning it down each time (like a boss). Later defeated Grindelwald (who had the FUCKING ELDER WAND) in a duel without even having to kill him.

Harry's a horcrux? Fucking knew it.

But let's pretend those are all small things. Dumbledore was still one of only two known wizards to ever have possessed one of each of the Deathly Hallows - fucking master of death? I think so - because let's not forget that Dumbledore KNEW THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME THAT A PART OF VOLEMORT'S SOUL WAS IN HARRY POTTER. He might as well have been omniscient because he basically had the WHOLE series orchestrated. The one mistake he made was touching the ring horcrux (wanting to access the powers of the Resurrection Stone) which would then lead to an early death (earlier since Snape killed him (which, might I mention, WAS ALSO PART OF HIS FUCKING PLAN - HE PLANNED HIS OWN FUCKING DEATH! WTF?!)). And after that, every subsequent part of his plan fell right into place. Harry dies (and meets Dumbledore's spirit, who is fucking MODEST AS SHIT despite his amazingness), comes back to life and kills Voldemort with his friends (all of whom were influenced by Dumbledore in some shape or form). All a part of Dumbledore's master plan. And these are just major PLOT-related things that make Dumbledore the best. I could list other individual things like:

I do all the work..

Him single-handedly capturing all the death eaters during the battle in the Ministry of Magic (save for that bitch, Bellatrix) then proceeding to own Voldemort and make him flee (Voldemort possessed Harry after this because he wanted to see if Dumbledore would sacrifice Harry (which he actually could have done - he knew what would happen, but he had his master plan so he didn't give a fuck really)).

Can't do THIS, Harry? Useless.

He helped Harry get the (what turned out to be fake) locket Horcrux by drinking that FUCKING TORTURE JUICE and ended up saving the fucking helpless Harry afterward with a fucking CAVE full of fire. It is right after this where Dumbledore gets killed on purpose, might I remind you.

Badass.

He was a master of magic, intellectual genius, duellist, COULD in fact use Homenum Revelio both wandlessly and nonverbally (letting him detect people even under THE fucking Cloak of Invisibility), Occlumency and Legilimency expert (could see into people's fucking minds but no one could see into his), Spell Creator and master of FIRE, ALSO multilingual, potions, charms, transfiguration AND apparation expert, and just general fucking badass. Wise as fuck, BOSS, and everything in between. He even fucking gets to exist in the living world after death through his portrait. Still not convinced that he's the best?

He was gay too. BAM.

New Trumpet and Trumpet Case

I always kind of figured that I would need a C trumpet in college, and during my college audition, my then would-be professors confirmed this - I would eventually get one, if not before college, then during. 

Around the same time, our All State concert was coming up, and we were playing the Firebird Suite by Igor Stravinsky, which happened to be in the key of C for the trumpet. Now, previous to this, I had played plenty of pieces in different keys, C, Eb, F and such - all with my Bb trumpet. It's tedious to say the least. You have to transpose, either in your head or written on the music or on a new paper. But I had done it, and I will always have to do it.

But the concert gave me an excuse to finally get a C trumpet, so I used that excuse and took a trip to Boston where I tried out a bunch of C trumpets, picked the best one for me and now I have an awesome new trumpet. ^_^ During that trip, I also bought a trumpet case - a mega one. This thing can carry FOUR trumpets.

Anyway, my post is not about how great it is now that I have a C trumpet, but rather the small, hilarious (to me) inside joke that my friend(s) and I now share because one of my friends had to ask what was in my quad trumpet case.

"What's in there?" my friend asked.

I'm waiting for the day a stranger asks me the same question so I can do this..

Mowing the Lawn

So, I mowed our lawn/s today like I now do each week. Now, I don't like doing labor of any sort, but aside from inside chores and cleaning, mowing the lawn is one of my least hated jobs. We have a ride-on lawn mower, but we also have enough lawn that I makes it so I don't have to feel guilty. But anyway, my dislike for mowing the lawn varies each time I have to do it. Like for example, sometimes insects choose to attack me.

And sometimes, the mower picks up dry dirt and the wind blows it back in my face.

Both of these things really make me hate mowing the lawn. Today, it rained a little, not too much. I needed to mow the lawn (was told to) so I figured that it would be the perfect time to do it. It was windy and cool and a little dark too since it was still cloudy.

Perfect timing, I thought. But, of course, this was NOT SO AT ALL. As soon as I got outside, the sun came out and immediately dried everything out - the dirt, the fucking plants. And the bugs came out.

I will never like mowing the lawn. If I ever have a lawn when I actually grow up, even if it's the smallest patch of grass in the world, I'm going to hire someone to mow it for me.

PS - moths, no matter what, will ALWAYS fly directly into my face. ftl - fuck the lawn.

Ninja

Ever played "Ninja" ? Well, before orientation, I had not. Quite basically, the game looks something like this to start:

First, everyone bows, and then everyone strikes a ninja pose. Each person then proceeds, in order, to make a single, fluid movement, in an attempt to hit anyone else's hand, or move in any other strategic way. They must stay in the position they have moved. The person about to be hit may dodge in a single fluid motion. If your hand is hit, you're out. The last person standing is the winner.

The game is, very simply, beyond dorkiness. It is amazing and fun. I may have almost lost my cell phone and wallet from playing this game so intensely, but that was just fine in a game of about 20-30 people.

I encourage any person to play this game if they and the people with them have nothing else to do. And please, do an extra dorky pose - create one like I did. For example, the standing, dead fish:

I am the Ninja master..

Diary of a Teenage Robot Girl

So, back in high school (hah - do you like how I write of it as though it were years back? It ended only just earlier this month, but anyway...) I was bored in Creative Writing class so I took out a little journal I had and started writing. It's amazing how I was unable focus on writing my actual short story for class, but could easily come up with an unrelated idea.

The title just came to me as I wrote, in pen (messily) on the small, lined paper of the journal; Diary of a Teenage Robot Girl.

Here's the short entry I came up with:

Dear Diary,

Android Bot 861 flashed his sensor lights at me. *swoon!* I hope he notices my new sparkle plugs tomorrow. He has got the tightest bolts at Learning Center 41.  

Tomorrow night, B.E.T.T.(Y) or Barium Energized Titanium Toilet (Yellow) is coming over. We’re going to look at and discuss the latest issue of R0bO7 Magazine. There’s supposed to be a really, as the humans would call it, “inspiring” article about teen robot revolts and regulatory system upgrades.  

I never really understood the whole issue of why humans don’t want us to control their lives anymore; it makes no sense to me. But, apparently some robots like to “sympathize” with the humans because, supposedly, they created us in the first place. I call their “B.S.” on that. No pic, no proof, like my Dadbot 3044x always says. When he and Mombot 737a picked out my parts from the selection booth at the Robot Creation Center, they didn’t get any help from humans. Though, technically, no robots really remember their creation, so it’s possible that humans aren’t completely inferior. Oh well, I’ll write you again.

It’s time to take the trash compactor out for a walk, 

TTYL,

FOUR

I ended up turning it into my last short story, the one I wrote for our final exam. I doubt my teacher knew that I had already preconceived the idea prior to the final, but I also doubt he would've cared.

Lastly, or not-ish. Right before I thought of the title, there was a flash of what this teenage robot girl looked like. I'll try to recreate it for you..

btdubs - This was, in no way, inspired by the show My Life as a Teenage Robot.

Girls Room CSI

So, a few days ago, we found out that the girl's bathroom on the 3rd floor of the school had been taped off with crime scene tape, like, legit. But, some people thought it was just the Forensics class doing one of their many interesting labs.

NOT SO.

A couple of my friends, both of whom are in Forensics (Jenna and Michelle, I believe) confirmed that it was not of their class' doing. ZOMG, something not completely boring happening in our school - IT CANNOT BE.

So, when Bill and I were wondering what it was, I had a theory. Someone mentioned that it might've been graffiti or something, but my mind went to a slightly more awesome place.

The Convo:

BILL: Maybe it was like graffiti or something..

ME: More like graFECES! ahhhh~!!!! (<--- laughscream/screagh)

BILL: *hysterics*

Hilarious, right? Well, if that's not funny enough, here's something of what I may have looked like after I said it:

NOTE: This is EXACTLY how I appear. Down to the very lack of detail.

P.S. - hawt, amirite?

Best Madlib Ever

A few weeks or months ago span of time ago, my friend Bill and I were talking on Skype. Having no desire to do anything productive, I found a website where I could do some Mad Libs. I am, by no means, a Mad Libs aficionado. However, I was bored, and just drowsy enough to realize that some activity like this could make me laugh more than usual. I was correct. We did a few, and hilarity ensued. Here's one that stuck out:

Dear Adam,

It has come to my cadaver that you are the fuggliest boy in the javelin. My left buttock starts fucking a Jigglypuff every time you speak. I would like to date if you want to go to the baptism with me next Wednesday. If you castrate, please inhale me at the Olive Garden in a month and a half. I birth you and everything about you.

Attractively,
Paul